Actions have consequences

No. 005

Find a long stick. Trip the owner. Give the dog the stick. Happy dog. Human corrected. Namaste.

No. 004

Dude. Seriously. Why? Do I go around the house spontaneously screaming and then expect my family to calmly ask God to bless me? No, no I do not. But that's the new consequence. One sneeze = one opportunity for me to spontano-scream and no one is allowed to say shit. Besides maybe "Bless you, you absolute baddie."

No. 003

OMG, it is SO annoying when this happens. Like why? What is wrong with people? My (not-for-fun-reasons) soggy underwear demand justice! Here's my thinking: someone builds an app that allows you to send a photo of the splasher's licence plate to some sort of database (stick with me) and then the splasher gets a notice that they must send you $X for dry-cleaning, $X for damages (like if they mess up good kicks — which, PS, you really shouldn't be wearing in the rain, not victim blaming but come on, respect the sneakers) and $X for your irritation and suffering. They cannot opt out of these notices and get hounded until they pay you.

No. 002

My patented method for dealing with this has been muting them and then just asking my most evil of friends to screencap and send me the best bits. BUT, this makes me an evil-doer which is the opposite of the point of this exercise. I think what we really need to do is dig deep and apply loving kindness. Modern parenting can be pretty brutal. Between public school boards collapsing and social media trying to eat our children (and then food companies maybe actually poisoning them? I have no idea) it’s pretty bleak out there. If you can’t just avoid and delete, offer to bring allergen-free cupcakes to whatever event is occurring and then just lay low. If those people aren’t your people, go find your people and drink a tea together under a tree.

No. 001

You get to walk into them at full stride. If they get mad, you reply with: "Oh, so sorry. I assumed, since you didn't see me back there and let the door slam in my face, that I am a ghost and hence I thought I'd be able to just walk right through you. My bad."